Five Times Sirius Black Cried and the One Time He Didn't
by AnotherGirlWithAStory
Summary: Sirius couldn't cry. The only thing he could do was smile as his broken pieces mended themselves in the presence of the people he loved. Unlike when Harry was born there were words strong enough to describe the feeling in his body; this is love and this is where I'm home.


**Title** : Five Times Sirius Black Cried and the One Time He Didn't

 **Pairing** : Slight mention of Sirius x Emmeline

 **Prompts** : Arithmancy Task #2: Write a 'five times and one time he didn't/it wasn't/etc.' fic. Examples: Five Times Harry (blanked) and the One Time He Didn't; Five Times It Rained on A Sunday and the One Time It Didn't (minimum 500 words, max 3 500 words).

 **Characters** : Sirius Black, Regulus Black, Emmeline Vance, James Potter, Lily Evans Potter & Harry James Potter.

 **AN** : Warning major character death and I do mention that Sirius claims that he has no one. I want to really stress that I wrote this from his perspective and that I'm aware that's not entirely true because you can look at it from another perspective.

Also, thank you very much to the wonderful _Screaming Faeries_ who was my Beta for this fic.

 **Word Count** : 1,635

* * *

Losing someone, despite the circumstances, is never easy, and death came accompanied by grief, desperation, loneliness and tears. Sirius Black knew that, as he had lost more people than he cared to admit. When Sirius reached his thirties, he could no longer count how many good people he knew that had fallen in battle, for a cause greater than themselves. At least, that was what they all seemed to believe — Sirius included.

The first time Sirius Black cried was when he realised that he could no longer stay with his family. What broke his heart was not the fact that he was leaving his parents, but the fact that he couldn't take his little brother with him. Regulus, wise far beyond his years, understood why.

Sirius had offered. He told Regulus that Mr. and Mrs. Potter would care for him, as they did Sirius, But Regulus simply looked at him with those non-judgemental eyes and answered softly; "maybe in another life."

The second time Sirius Black cried was when he learnt of the death of his younger brother. His only brother. Regulus Black had been born into a bad family and was dealt a bad hand from life the moment that he was conceived. He never had the strength that Sirius did to separate himself from their family values. In hindsight, it was clear to Sirius that his brother had it worse than he did.

Sirius sat in the living room of the Potter household, trying to convince himself to go home to his own flat. But the bruises and the cuts from the night before made it harder to motivate than usual. He could see Lily and James sitting by the breakfast table; messy-haired James was pouring over the Daily Prophet, and Lily was enthralled in a book as she drank her tea.

Sirius heard him gasp. It was a tiny sound accompanied by a slight change in his facial expression. That was all it took for Sirius to realise that something big had happened. James' eyes became darker, and his face paled in a way that had only happened once before — when his parents had perished. James looked up from the Daily Prophet and met eyes with Sirius. Time appeared to have stop as James to walked into the living room and took a seat on the couch.

"I am so sorry, Pads," his voice was a whisper as he handed Sirius the newspaper.

Sirius frowned as he glanced down at the newspaper.

Four large words. One gasp. Blurry vision. Regulus Black Suspected Dead. There was the paralysing sensation that he was going to die. His mind went blank. He was outwardly silent, but inside his organs were screaming, and there was wetness on his cheeks and then the pressure of strong arms wrapped around him.

"Breathe for me mate," James soothed in a hushed voice while his grip became firmer by the minute. "You're going to be okay. You just need to breathe for me."

Sirius closed his eyes and forced himself to focus on James breathing. He had never been as grateful to have someone to lean on as he had in that moment.

* * *

The third time Sirius Black cried was when his godson was born.

Harry James Potter entered the world much calmer than anyone would think a son of James Potter would, but looking like his father all the more. Sirius had been seated in the waiting area. He had been told that it was going to take hours and that he wasn't allowed in the room, but that didn't stop him from hovering in the building. The young man paced the floor, much to the annoyance of the Healers, and only a handful of times did he show signs of patience.

He didn't know how many hours it had been when James finally walked out. He was unsteady on his feet, but there was a shine in his eyes that Sirius was sure hadn't been there before, and when he spoke his voice was so full of happiness that Sirius couldn't help but laugh at the words.

"I have a son." James said it over and over again as though he couldn't grasp the truth. "You need to see him." He grabbed Sirius by the arm and the two of them ran along the corridors as though they had been there millions of times before.

Sirius would never forget the moment when he laid eyes on Harry James Potter. He had a mop of black messy hair on his head, two tiny hands firmly closed as he snuggled as close he could to Lily.

The redhead looked up once she heard the door open. Sweat covered her forehead, her emerald eyes were glistening happily with the threat of tears, her hair was a mess but still she was smiling. "Do you want to hold your godson?" She asked.

Sirius was gobsmacked. "M-me?"

Lily laughed. "Yes, silly, of course we want you to be our sons godfather. Now, do you want to hold him?"

Sirius, not sure that his voice was going to hold, settled for a firm nod. Then he took Harry in his arms. While he held that tiny person, felt the heat radiating from his body, then Harry's hand firmly grasped a hold of Sirius shirt and in that moment, he was lost. No words would ever be able to describe that feeling. The blurry vision was back.

"Are you crying?" James asked.

Sirius nodded. "He's amazing," he croaked and glanced at Lily and James for a while before turning back to Harry. "Hello little one, I'm your godfather. I'm a bit crazy, impulsive and dramatic but in spite of all my bad sides I promise that I will be a good godfather. I promise that I will always be there for you."

There was the sound of sniffling, then Lily's voice. "James, are you crying?"

"Yes."

* * *

The fourth time Sirius Black cried was when he lost James and Lily.

He barely remembered walking into the house that day. His feet were moving on their own even though his head was screaming for them to stop, because whatever was up there, Sirius was sure he couldn't bear to see it.

He saw James Potter first. Lying on his side, his glasses discarded to the side, his arms were stretched forward and his eyes open. Sirius eyes burned with tears, and without shame he allowed them to run down his face. He knelt in front of his best friend, his brother and family member, and gently ran his fingers through the young man's hair, before closing his eyes and then putting his glasses back on. Then he repeated the words he had said more times than he could count.

"Goodnight Prongs." He smiled sadly. "I love you."

He walked up the stairs and saw Lily Evans Potter. Her eyes were wide and she laid unmoving on her back. But what caught Sirius attention was not the red haired woman he was proud to call his friend, but the child screaming in his cot. Sirius rushed over and took Harry in his arms, he thought about going down the stairs but felt his knees giving up from underneath him. He wanted to scream out loud but managed to hold it in. He knew that out of all the losses he had suffered, this was without a doubt the worst one. When Sirius walked out of that house, he could almost hear the broken pieces rattling from inside of him.

* * *

The fifth time Sirius Black cried was when Emmeline Vance died. His entire body shivered against the wall of his cold cell in Azkaban.

He read about it in the newspaper. The moment he saw the headline he stopped breathing. He bit down on his hands until he broke the skin, to avoid screaming out loud. He was told as a child that biting something worked when push away unnecessary emotions, but Sirius knew that all the screaming in the world couldn't release the pain he was experiencing.

He gazed at the picture of the beautiful woman he had once loved. She smiled in the photo, but then again, she had always smiled. She was a lot of his firsts. He wanted to make her his first in everything, but fate wanted otherwise. Sirius forced his eyes shut. He couldn't look at her anymore. If he wanted to stay sane, then he had to look away from those beautiful eyes that knew him from the inside out; the eyes that reminded him of the fact that he now had no one left.

* * *

The one time that Sirius Black did not cry was when he died.

He felt the spell hit him squarely in the chest. He saw Harry stare at him with disbelief. He saw Remus's eyes widen, and then something grasped him and pulled him out of his body. Even before he surrendered to death, Sirius Black heard voices he never thought he would ever hear again. He didn't want to cry, nor could he cry. Why would he, when the people he loved and lost were there to greet him?

The whisper from a long-lost brother. "Hello, Padfoot."

The grateful words from a friend lost too soon. "Thank you for protecting my son, Sirius."

The declaration of love from the woman Sirius could never get over, and the words he had thought so many times since she left the world. "I have missed you so much."

Sirius couldn't cry. The only thing he could do was smile as his broken pieces mended themselves in the presence of the people he loved. Unlike when Harry was born, there were words strong enough to describe the feeling in his body: "this is love and this is where I'm home."

 **The End**


End file.
